 Image description: Black Girls Smile logo | https://www.blackgirlssmile.org/resources |
 Image description: BEAM logo with “Black Emotional and Mental Health” | https://tinyurl.com/y9yodbkz |
 Image description: Therapy for Black Girls logo | https://therapyforblackgirls.com/ |
 Image description: A Black Man carrying a black child on his shoulders with the Boris Lawrence Hensen Foundation logo; “break the silence, break the cycle.” | https://borislhensonfoundation.org/resource-guide |
 Image description: National Alliance of Mental Illness logo; “celebrating 40 years.” | https://www.nami.org/Support-Education/Diverse-Communities/African-American-Mental-Health |
 Image description: Dive in Well logo | https://www.diveinwell.com/ |
 Image description: Sista Afya logo, a Black woman with a blue flower in her short hair. | https://www.sistaafya.com/events/online-sister-support-group-overcoming-difficult-news |
 Image description: the Heal Haus logo | https://www.healhaus.com/offerings/hh-black-moon-a-healing-cypher-for-men-of-color/ |
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Category Archives: 2nd Chance News You Can Use
Staying Safe During COVID-19
Avoiding public spaces and working remotely can help to reduce the spread of COVID-19, but for many survivors, staying home may not be the safest option.
Abuse is about power and control. When survivors are forced to stay in the home or in close proximity to the abuser more frequently, an abuser can use any tool to exert control over their victim, including a national health concern such as COVID-19.
Here’s how COVID-19 could uniquely impact intimate partner violence survivors:
- Abusive partners may withhold necessary items such as medications.
- Abusive partners may share misinformation to control or frighten survivors or to prevent them from seeking medical attention
- Survivors may fear entering shelter because of being in close quarters with groups of people.
- Survivors who are older or have chronic health conditions may be at increased risk in places where they would typically get support.
- An abusive partner may feel more justified and escalate their isolation tactics.
Create a safety plan.
A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that includes ways to remain safe while in an abusive relationship, planning to leave, or after you leave. You can learn more about safety plans here, and you can find an interactive guide to safety planning here.
Adapted from: https://www.thehotline.org/2020/03/13/staying-safe-during-covid-19/
Spotting an abuser – not easily done
What Traits Do Abusers Have in Common?
There is no one typical, detectable personality of an abuser. However, they do often display common characteristics.
- An abuser often denies the existence or minimizes the seriousness of the violence and its effect on the victim and other family members.
- An abuser objectifies the victim and often sees them as their property or sexual objects.
- An abuser has low self-esteem and feels powerless and ineffective in the world. He or she may appear successful, but internally, they feel inadequate.
- An abuser externalizes the causes of their behavior. They blame their violence on circumstances such as stress, their partner’s behavior, a “bad day,” on alcohol, drugs, or other factors.
- An abuser may be pleasant and charming between periods of violence and is often seen as a “nice person” to others outside the relationship.
What Are the “Warning Signs” of an Abuser?
Red flags and warning signs of an abuser include but are not limited to:
- Extreme jealousy
- Possessiveness
- Unpredictability
- A bad temper
- Cruelty to animals
- Verbal abuse
- Extremely controlling behavior
- Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships
- Forced sex or disregard of their partner’s unwillingness to have sex
- Sabotage of birth control methods or refusal to honor agreed upon methods
- Blaming the victim for anything bad that happens
- Sabotage or obstruction of the victim’s ability to work or attend school
- Controls all the finances
- Abuse of other family members, children or pets
- Accusations of the victim flirting with others or having an affair
- Control of what the victim wears and how they act
- Demeaning the victim either privately or publicly
- Embarrassment or humiliation of the victim in front of others
- Harassment of the victim at work
For anonymous, confidential help available 24/7, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) now.
NCADV. (n.d.). NCADV: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Retrieved from https://ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse
Some Memes That Might Resonate
We’re All in This Together: Applying an Anti Oppression Framework to Prevention
This is an excellent short video on anti-oppression frameworks that can be added to our work to end violence by expanding efforts from engaging individual male allies to engaging communities.
Answering The Impossible Question That Is “Why Do They Stay?”
Fear. Shame. Guilt. Isolation. Children. Family. Love. Faith. Lack of resources. Lack of finances. Lack of support. Just some of the complex reasons women who have experienced domestic violence identify for why they stayed in abusive relationships. The question “why doesn’t she just leave” dominates and derails the way we talk about and approach domestic violence. Writer and survivor Beverly Gooden confronted this question head on and ignited a movement with her #WhyIStayed hashtag. Find out more about her story and hear from other survivors in our new short #WhyWeStayed. These women have helped to transform a one-dimensional conversation focused on victim-blaming into a more nuanced, national dialogue. Thank you to all the women who courageously share your stories. Thank you for showing us what avenues for change exist when we stop the victim-blaming and focus instead on how to stop the abuse. The creation of this piece was made possible by Waitt Institute for Violence Prevention and The Kind World Foundation. #ENDPrivateViolence
Understanding 2nd Chance’s Services
- Shelter: Survivors may need emergency housing after their experience with domestic or sexual violence. 2nd Chance has several housing options including our 24-hour shelters, the Joy Kathryn Courtney House and the Legacy House- for elders and those with mobility limitations
- Forensic Exam Advocacy: Our team of trained advocates is available 24/7 to provide in-person advocacy services for individuals in Emergency Departments needing forensic exams. Our advocates answer questions, provide clean clothing and toiletries at the hospital, discuss available community resources, and can provide emotional support for the survivor as they make empowered medical and legal decisions for themselves. Our advocates often stay throughout the entire forensic exam process.
- Follow-Up Services: After a trauma, it can sometimes help to have someone to talk to. Our advocates connect with survivors as often as requested, providing support and understanding, community referrals as needed, and can connect the survivor with additional 2nd Chance, Inc. service provision.
- Personal Advocacy: Sometimes a survivor needs more focused support to help them on their healing journey. Our advocates can assist a survivor with accessing a variety of community resources and additional support systems.
- Court and Criminal Justice Advocacy: The Criminal Justice system can be overwhelming and hard to navigate alone. Our advocates can work with survivors if they choose to move forward with pressing charges against their perpetrator or if they need assistance with a Protection from Abuse Order.
- Counseling: Our Licensed Professional Counselor works with domestic and sexual violence survivors and their non-offending loved ones, who are considered secondary survivors. Using a variety of therapeutic methods, the counselor will work with the survivor as they process their trauma.
- Outreach: Are you interested in learning more about 2nd Chance and how your organization can be a part of the movement to end gender based violence? Connect with us! We’d love to start a conversation with you. Trainings and presentations can be tailored to fit your needs and community.
- Holistic Wellness Activities: The 2nd Chance, Inc. staff feel strongly that offering activities for survivors that focus on the mind, body, and spirit are critical for one’s healing journey. We offer a variety of activities every season.
- Support groups:
- Survivors’ Experiences: This survivor led group is a space for all survivors of domestic and/or sexual violence and their supportive loved ones to speak openly with other survivors who “get it.” This group’s format changes to meet the needs of the survivors who attend.
- WOC Survivors’ Experiences: We recognize that the needs of domestic and/or sexual violence survivors who are also Women of Color can be unique. In an effort to respect that, this space is dedicated only to Women of Color and led by staff members who are also Women of Color.
- Young Women’s Group: This group was created for young women 16-25 and focuses on self-care and healthy relationships.
- COLOR: Coloring is still cool! We provide the coloring sheets and colored pencils and you get to take a break to center yourself and relax.
Our groups are subject to change occasionally. We recommend calling 256-403-2989, for more information about any group that may be of interest to you. Child care can be arranged with advanced notice.
Why Celebrating Juneteenth Is Important
Becoming a Warrior for Medical Care (and Self Care) after Sexual Violence Trauma
Jeannie is a sexual violence program advocate at 2nd Chance. She likes boots, her truck, Pokemon hunting, candy, and has a fierce determination to help those who have been victimized transition into warriors.
Note from Jeannie: So, I haven’t written a blog since, like MySpace. Good luck to me and here’s to hoping I don’t use obnoxious amounts of bad grammar.
Becoming a Warrior for Medical Care (and Self Care) after Sexual Violence Trauma
I refer to myself as a girl with a hard backstory. In a movie you sometimes need the backstory. Maybe in this blog you need some backstory. If it traumatizes you to read about someone else’s hard back story please scroll past the next section.
Trigger warning: Sexual Violence, I hate when trigger warnings have triggers in them! Will someone please fix that?
At age three, I began experiencing sexual violence perpetrated by my biological father. The violence escalated until it became rape and sodomy. At 13, a friend pushed me to speak up and I became a ward of the courts. I had physical damage that anyone with that a young body that has experienced rape and sodomy would.
In the last few years, I have had to repeat some reconstructive surgeries I had performed in my early twenties. The myriad of tests and medical procedures were overwhelming.
For me, having to be in public in front of others without all of my clothes is traumatic. Going across a hall without a bra in a hospital or doctor’s office is awful. Taking everything off and putting on a gown horrible! I’m not talking about, “Oh, I’m uncomfortable.” I’m talking about my chest clenches, tears threaten a public display, and I sit in a chair or on a table consumed with my physical safety compromised. (You can handle a street fight when you are not worried about not having clothes on.) My head fills with what ifs and “I really, really, really want to be back dressed, safe, layers covering me just in case I need to fight my way out of a bad situation.”
I would hear things like:
“Well, everyone in the room will see you naked once you are asleep…” To which I actually hear, “you will be 110% powerless, and you will be 110% vulnerable, ” and then I’m scared more. Will they try to make things harder because I am not cooperating? You know not quite as gentle with the IV?
“Everyone has a bottom, I see it every day, and I don’t even notice…” Gee thanks, I’m barely holding it together, but it’s no big deal for you, well must be nice…
“I’m a professional, and I am not looking at you as a woman- just a patient. I’m offended that you even feel you can’t have a male nurse, you have a male doctor…” Hey, buddy, it’s not you it’s me, but you may have just been an insensitive jerk. Do me a favor and try helping out with that whole gender equality stuff because I really wanted a female doctor too.
“Nobody can see you. You have a gown on…” Really, because it feels like I’m naked, covered with a thin cheap sheet, my nipples are showing and no, it’s not just nurses here.
“How did you ever have sex to get pregnant if you have this problem?” Well, I had five years of therapy and then married someone who respected my needs in that area, you should try that whole respecting my needs deal.
“When you get far enough into labor, you won’t care.” You bet your sweet rear end I will care. Do me a favor and protect me even when you think I don’t care. I think you just scared me into a C-section because I’ve now been stuck dilated a three for seven hours thanks. I now look like a scared animal who has stopped laboring, jerk.
“It’s not a big deal.” Okay then, you get naked too! Oh, really that’s different, and you can’t work naked in a gown, guess it is a big deal after all.
I’m sure there is more. These things they said, their signs of impatience, all took a toll. In my twenties, I froze and did what I was told. In my forties it dawned on me, I am paying for a service. I came to realize, that though they may have a lot of other patients, I am my only patient, and because of that I want all of my needs met. All of them! I am paying for this, and with insurance, I still am paying you thirteen times what I paid for my last car (I buy really cheap cars last one was $600, but that’s a whole other blog post).
I have a right to dignity and respect. It should be provided without me asking, and I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that I get it.
Instead of leaving my providers without the backstory (because I want control of that part of me) I started to speak up.
When the nurse asked me, “What meds do you take?”
I replied, “Well, I take Lamictal. I know it’s a bipolar or seizure medication, but I take it because it helps control my PTSD. In fact, let me tell you more; not every minute detail but let me help you understand what and why. I have PTSD because I experienced a severe sexual trauma. It’s been a while, but this is unbelievably hard.”
The nurse looked at me for a moment, but even with my voice shaking a little, I kept on, saying, “Here is what helps me, please keep me covered, as much as possible, as long as possible, leave my advocate with me until you can’t anymore. Approach me in my line of vision, it really helps me. If you don’t and I’m medicated heavily during a procedure, I might become combative. I would never want to hurt you and tying me down for your safety in that situation is reasonable, but it will also to further traumatize me.”
At that point, things changed.
By sharing my backstory and letting them know what I need in these situations, I reclaimed so much control. It’s become a part of my self-care. I became a warrior for myself.
EVERY single person involved in my care did every single this I asked. I was covered, accompanied, allowed to redress to go in public spaces, isolated from other patients’ view and no one’s bored, nosy husband was able to see me or listen in to my care plans. It worked. For someone who has the life experiences I have, it was a win, the scoreboard went from 0-100 me down in the first quarter to me walking off with a total 100-110% because they made a 110% effort to help me.
It happened again when I let know my needs, at the OBGYN’s office, and again at the hospital (with the next five doctors, the next three separate surgeries and four separate wins, every person who walked in gave 100%). I was in control. I got what I asked for and figured out if I didn’t, I was still in control. I am the captain of this ship and I don’t have to pull into any old port. I am a warrior for me. If they don’t appear to be willing to change course, I remind them that I am in control, this is my body, and I choose what I permit them to do. I also let them know that there are other providers.
You should not need to share your sexual violence trauma with anyone if you aren’t ready, but there is power and freedom in taking an active role in your recovery when you can. Your experience is yours. You aren’t obligated to anyone’s rules, directions, attitudes or ignorance. You taking care of you is critical and worth fighting for. I hope you are able to become the warrior you need to be, for yourself.
I believe in you. You are a warrior. It is inside you, you survived the worst. You are stronger than most. You’ve got this!
Black Survivors
Adisa Salim is the Shelter Director for 2nd Chance, Inc. She is a mother of five sons and grandmother to nine. She is a community activist, author and spoken word artist.
When I was a little girl, I didn’t have the “sex” talk with my mom. There was no talk of healthy sexuality because the rule in my childhood home was simple, sex was bad, don’t do it. In the 80s and 90s, the message that was most prominent was “just say no” to drugs rather than “no means no” when it came to my body. So, at 16 years old when I found myself being sexually assaulted by a boy I considered a friend. I didn’t tell anyone. I blamed myself for being in a place I shouldn’t have been. I blamed myself for trusting him. I rationalized what happened to me, filed it in the back of my mind and never spoke of it. Deep down I knew the label that would be given to me if I told what happened. I would become a rape victim. As a teenager, my desire was not to stand out but to simply blend in. I didn’t want to be different. I didn’t want attention. Now as an advocate for victims of sexual assaults, I am happy to have found my voice. Unfortunately, however, my silence is not unique—especially among women of color.
Black women are less likely than White women to report that they’ve been raped. There are mutual reasons that both don’t report rape—a sense of shame, a belief that they were at fault, fear of repercussions. But some reasons are different and based in history. Rape of African-American women goes back to before they reached the Americas. African women that were kidnapped were routinely raped by crew members during the transatlantic voyage. There were few consequences for rapists—regardless of race. In 1859, a Mississippi judge overturned a guilty verdict from a lower court in a case involving two slaves. The victim was less than 10 years old. The judge wrote in his decision: “The crime of rape does not exist in this state between African slaves, because their intercourse is promiscuous.” His ruling reinforced the belief that African-American women are naturally hypersexual beings. That myth endures today.
Given the strained history between the Black community and police, Black survivors may be wary of seeking help from law enforcement. They may feel safer avoiding law enforcement altogether.
There is also the stereotype within the African-American culture that women are to remain strong no matter the circumstance or situation.
Black Survivors who have been assaulted by other Black people may feel a responsibility to protect members of their community, fearing that speaking out will affirm negative stereotypes and criminalize a man of their race. Historically, Black women have carried the burden of fighting for racial justice for Black men, our Black children and our Black sisters. But who fights for us? Who protects us from injustice? Speaking up for Black women when they have been raped IS racial justice in a system that already sexualizes and dehumanizes us.
If a woman chooses to disclose her experience of assault, the environment she finds herself in isn’t always supportive. Our response to an actual occurrence of rape is often damaging enough to keep a woman from pressing charges and dissuades her from sharing her experience. We ask questions that are loaded like a weapon: What were you wearing? Are you sure this isn’t just your regret talking?
Let’s make sure that if someone is brave enough to disclose that she has been the victim of sexual abuse we don’t add to her suffering. Let’s not re-victimize her with unfair assumptions or victim-blaming questions. Let’s be listeners. Let’s be safe outlets for her hurts and fears.
If you have been a victim of sexual abuse, you are not alone. And whether you have friends and family members you can confide in or not, I encourage you to seek out a professional therapist you feel comfortable with. You have suffered a terrible trauma. Just as a doctor can put a cast on a broken bone, a good therapist can provide a safe space for you to speak up, be heard, receive impartial advice, and heal. Ending the silence around sexual abuse is going to take all of us. Let’s listen instead of labeling. Let’s support instead of second-guessing. Victims need to be cared for, not shamed or shushed. Silence only supports the stigma.